problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
