You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
