Having a random hookup so left but love u
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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