I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
