Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
foreskin is a definite game changer
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
