I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
