first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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