I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
