A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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