Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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