they need to just BURY HIM!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
