You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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