Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
