i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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