just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
