i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
