my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
