I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
And then he peed in my hair
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
