I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
