You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.