I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor