Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
We smell like vodka and hangover
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
