Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
