I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.