Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I smell like Dick and happiness
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.