Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.