then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Send us your Text From Last Night!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation