I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in