cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
