We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.