Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.