Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.