this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth