I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch