I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.