I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.