I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos