My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
