I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Send us your Text From Last Night!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He has the fingertips of a God
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
