Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
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His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia