You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.