So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
