You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.