I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.