I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished