I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.