My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.