Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.