When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.