areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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