There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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