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You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
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