I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist