Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night