How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think i have herpe
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her