Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?