I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.